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Old 21-06-2011, 09:00 PM   #1
Flarty

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serious advice needed and help

after a 4 year relationship, ive decided to call it a day with my partner as she seems to think it is fine to live like a tramp and take no responsibility for anything in the day to day running of the house, even though she only works part time and i work full time.
she has taken our 10 month old daughter with her and is awaiting for the council to put her in a B&B and find her a house, but i have told her that i want Alissa on the nights when i finish work and while she is at work till 10, and as it would be on fair to drag her out of bed at that time, instead pick her up in the morning after i have fed her. this would mean she would get to see our daughter a total of 9 hours a day while ill get to see her for 4, (if she dont fall asleep.) She wont agree to this and suggest i can only see my daughter 2 hours a night, 3 days a week, and have her in the day on the saturday. I really dont want to go through the courts or phone social services and ruin her chances of getting a flat but she can barely look after herself, and the other nights while she's at work im afraid she will leave our daughter with her mother who has severe MS.

This is a serious dilemma, should i phone social services and tell them there's no need for my daughter to stay in a B&B as she can live with me? then arrange for my EX to have her in the day? plus i can also have peace of mind that she is in a safe clean environment the majority of the time.
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Old 21-06-2011, 09:32 PM   #2
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Re: serious advice needed and help

If you believe daughter is in danger of neglect... there is only one right answer.
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Old 21-06-2011, 09:44 PM   #3
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Re: serious advice needed and help

You should definately call social services, why should your daughter be a) Used as a tool to get a flat quickly b) Have to live with someone who you say likes to live like a tramp and c) be passed on to the poorly mother constantly when you can offer her a better quality of life being with you permenately.

Quote:
Originally Posted by tehBoris
If you believe daughter is in danger of neglect... there is only one right answer.
This, definately this. While you dont want to be the one to cause trouble, think of it from your daughters perspective, whilst she doesnt realise what is going on at the moment, some day she will...and believe be, from personal experience, being neglected as a child is not nice.

The TLDR edition: yes, you should definately call someone if you can offer your daughter better than she is currently getting.
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Old 21-06-2011, 09:47 PM   #4
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Re: serious advice needed and help

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Originally Posted by Flarty View Post
but she can barely look after herself
At this point I immediately thought "If she can't look after herself, then surely she's not fit to look after a child".

As others have said, Social Services is the route to go.
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Old 21-06-2011, 09:49 PM   #5
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Re: serious advice needed and help

As much of a dick this will sound towards your missus, your absolute priority is your daughter. If I was in your situation I'd go as far as I possibly need to in regards to the courts/social service if your daughter is going to end up in a B&B/someone else. Generally, they are very supportive of both parents nowadays and won't favour the mother, especially in the situation she is putting up - i.e, working part time and not allowing you to see her.

If she is being an unfit parent, which again I sound like a dick, but she does come across as this - as a parent your priority is your child, nothing else, and if she is willing to put the child in danger then there is no other question for it. Her mother with severe MS has to look after herself nevermind a child, so if something happened to her or the child whilst your ex was at work...It's a nightmare no parent would want to live through.

I'm sorry if this post sounded to straight to the point, but your priority is to care for your daughter, not your ex. She needs to grow up and get herself sorted, that's not your issues to deal with, first and foremost your daughter is and do anything you possibly can to ensure she's ok.
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Old 21-06-2011, 11:35 PM   #6
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Re: serious advice needed and help

I can only reiterate what everyone else has said. Regardless of what it does to your Ex, your Daughter is your #1 priority in this situation.

If anything you having your daughter will get your Ex housed faster as the council will only have to give her a 1 bed flat instead of a 2 if your daughter is only with her during the day and not staying over night.

Then once she (your Ex) is settled in her new place, take a look at her situation and have an adult discussion about the arrangments. Make it clear (even if its not the case) that you dont want to stop her seeing your daughter, you just want whats best for her in the long run.
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Old 22-06-2011, 06:53 AM   #7
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Re: serious advice needed and help

Quote:
Originally Posted by djdawsonuk View Post
At this point I immediately thought "If she can't look after herself, then surely she's not fit to look after a child".

As others have said, Social Services is the route to go.
This, without a doubt. Get her back and look after her since your ex sounds in no way fit to look after her!
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Old 22-06-2011, 10:30 AM   #8
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Re: serious advice needed and help

It's a tuff one chap and tbh you can lissen to our advice but you need someone thats an expert in this field (my mum removes children from bad enviroments)

Theres so many factors the child services take into considuration it's baffling and one person may say they are in a bad enviroment but the council will see something diffrent.
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Old 22-06-2011, 01:01 PM   #9
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Re: serious advice needed and help

Quote:
Originally Posted by tehBoris View Post
If you believe daughter is in danger of neglect... there is only one right answer.
Agreed

its unusual when everyone on the forums agrees on the something, even on something imporant as this.
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Old 22-06-2011, 05:47 PM   #10
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Re: serious advice needed and help

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Originally Posted by Maggy View Post
Agreed

its unusual when everyone on the forums agrees on the something, even on something imporant as this.
Whilst all this is good advice, you will almost certainly find it an uphill struggle to get your daughter on your terms. If you go the route of social services it will have to be to prove her unfit, which may then lead to you getting custody, but can you do that full time?

If it goes pear shaped, and social services don't see that she's unfit -

She will almost certainly stop you from seeing you from seeing your daughter. Period. (How would you react if someone tried to take her away?)

This will lead to a long court battle stacked in her favour for which you will almost certainly have to pay for the whole way through.

Get proper legal advice, don't leave it to your mates to second guess this.

Citizens' Advice would be a start or some local law firms offer a free intial 30 minute consultation.
How do her family see her? If they too worry about her ability to cope, they may be able to tell her to let you have the access you wish for, for the child's sake. This will obviously depend on how you get on with them.
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